Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
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People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
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