How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
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stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.