You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
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This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.