You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Growing out my freckles.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Come back with a warrant
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle