“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
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I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
crying
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me redecorating every room in my mind
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
titanic
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now