You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
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*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES