YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
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Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”