I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
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Can anyone explain what鈥檚 happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool 鉂わ笍 my culture is not your costume
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I鈥檒l try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren鈥檛 designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you鈥檙e happy now
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
馃悤馃嵎
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
There are 2 wolves inside me and they鈥檙e both eating tacos
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team