Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
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General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy