Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
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“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
thanks auntie mary
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there