judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
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Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I’m aging like a fine banana