You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
You Might Also Like
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
They’re stuck in your pants?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop