You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
You Might Also Like
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away