@pixelatedboat: You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I've got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
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@WheelTod: A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
@Playing_Dad: [Walking around park with kid] Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green? Me: Because God wants to remind me I have no money everywhere
@Marlebean: Friend zone?! I've been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I'm telling mom!!
@o__0Dev: Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.