You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
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[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
This will teach them to underestimate me
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Strange
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.