You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
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Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.