In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
This meal prepping shit is easy
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.