Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
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(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company