Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
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I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.