You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
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You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.