getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
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Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*