“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
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I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
the prophecies have been fulfilled
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.