@thesulk: "You want to have your cake and eat it, too." "Yeah. It's MY cake."
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@TheTweetOfGod: Hey U.S.: if every now and then I heard a "God PLEASE bless America", maybe you'd have better luck. #manners
@TheWeirdWorld: What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
@joeljeffrey: [At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record? Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette *hires me instantly
@robdelaney: .@LAPD My wife made hazelnut "coffee" with my coffee maker. Send all available units.