The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
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The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks