My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
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Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.