You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
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Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I am, perchance
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister