You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
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“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Lmao
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
New menu item
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.