You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
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No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.