You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
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WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
dam girl
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.