You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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I’m not wrong
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
This is my pinned tweet
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life