You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
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My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.