[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
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There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.