@Guinz: You were all Pluto's not even a planet and now you're watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
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@VelouriaDaze: *walks into lift* Guy: going down? Me: I'll need a first date for that. *silence* *doors open* Dammit Twitter!
@weinerdog4life: When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus's chasing you
@joeljeffrey: [buying treadmill] Me: Can I try it out first? Salesperson: Sure Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
@Social_Mime: Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn't have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"