You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
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ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
when nothing goes right… go left
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.