You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
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For the ones in the back.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE