My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
You Might Also Like
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
worst…sale…ever
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.