“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
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my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.