@Brianhopecomedy: Bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. I gotta start dressing smarter.

@_LUMP: People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

@SortaBad: *looks at selfie* "Hmmm I need more flattering lighting" *tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine* "ahhh much better"

@ArfMeasures: [court] LAWYER: Did u kill him? ME: No L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury? ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

@omerwahaj: Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing? Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.