@jjhartinger: I picked up an ice cream cake & the cashier said keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn't melt. I've got to start dressing smarter

@KatieLaveski: Diet plan: make friends fatter

@CrapLocalNews: Breaking news:

@PleaseBeGneiss: So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you've made it.

@ms_woodsy: Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.