@RunwayDan: You won't believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just...stopped. Scary, huh?
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@david8hughes: [inventing trees] Angel: what purpose do they serve? God: cats climb em Angel: can they climb back down? God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
@zachreinert03: Fear is not the same is respect. For instance I fear bears but integrity wise they are huge pieces of shit
@OtherDanOBrien: [Cat birthday party] *Cat opens gift from her husband* "It's...an empty box." *silence* "Oh honey, I love it!"
@TheFunnyWorId: Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I like this joke because it never grows old.