You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
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Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.