You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
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Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.