You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
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My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
The three genders
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Meow
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that