You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
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Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
same energy
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir