You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
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Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”