OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
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When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.