You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
You Might Also Like
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery