You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
You Might Also Like
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.