You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?