You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
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then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*