me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
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WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Thank you corporation very cool