You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
mmm onion ringos
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?