You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
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His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
In banana years, I am bread.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.