I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
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Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
meanwhile over on facebook
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.