You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
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INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
bears
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me